Walking into kickboxing last week I overheard a conversation that a mother was having with her son. She was walking 5 feet ahead of him and stated that he was losing all his privileges. The son answered but not hockey, the mother answered yes that too, and the son screamed across the parking lot- “Fine I’m sorry then”. As I drove away it got me thinking, was this where it started-“learn to be a bully”. Recently my parents moved and as a result all the stuff I had stashed at their house came back to me. Including pictures, poems, journals, and junk. In the mess was this:
She walks in,
People quiet, whispers start,
Faded jeans, ball caps, label shirts
Are all the norm.
Outside looking in,
Cross around her neck,
Different looks,
Different treatment
Stopping to smile at a comrade,
Eyes brighten,
Someone gives her a smile,
Someone saw past the material looks,
She walks on.
I was bullied, you were bullied, but not in the extent it is today, via Facebook, Twitter, my space, you tube, tumblr, and blogs. I personally found grade 7/8 the worst where people would ignore you, push away your desk, and make comments. There was also the added bonus of “candy grams”. This is where it turned out to be a popularity contest who would receive the most. I always felt bad for the kids that received none.
In a novel by Jennifer Weiner-(‘Certain Girls’) –they talk about cookie grams. “I also know that every year at some point during early February my mother and I will have a fight (“a discussion,” she calls it, but it’s really a fight) about the cookies. I will tell her that I should just buy them with my own money and give them to my actual friends. She’ll reply that I’ll have the rest of my life to start excluding people and that seventh grade (or sixth grade, or whatever grade I’m in at the time) is too early to start.”
I remember a girl being teased because a house she lived in was rundown, so she was taunted that she had lice- she didn’t. In that same mess of material I found a letter from a girl I went to grade school with. It doesn’t stick out in my mind that she was a “bully” but then again as Pumba says in the lion king- (‘I have put my past behind me’). In the letter she states this: “the reason I’m writing this is because I’ve had some not so good feeling about how I treated you all those years. I know I said some very cruel things to you, and about you. Please understand that I am not writing with the hope that you might forgive me for my actions. My intention is to; rather let you know that I am aware now, as I was back then, that you really didn’t deserve any of it. My words and actions were rude and unjustified and you definitely should not have been on the receiving end of them.” Later in the letter she says “it took me a lot of years to learn how to stop myself from projecting my own pains onto other people” I personally feel she had to write this letter as part of her recovery or for rediscovering religion.
This video depicts being bullied, and I love the ending. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWJut7KQhI4
What is a bully? “A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker”
Today in 2011 we have programs in place (that were never in place when I was growing up- and walked 5 miles in the snow to school). Has it gotten better or worse? I would have to place my bet on worse. Now days it isn’t just about someone taking your baseball cap, ignoring you, or slamming you into the lockers. It follows you everywhere- home, cell phone, all the social media, sports, events and children can’t escape. Now the people you don’t think are bullies might be. The ones who were bullied as kids for having a rat tail, and being a geek, have now found a voice hiding behind the computer and being a ‘cyber bully”. Things they would never have the courage to say face to face they now say on ‘twitter/Facebook/blogs and so on
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__C7sd_UDU0&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37_ncv79fLA
The stats are growing everyday. Young Canadians in a wired world quote” 59% of children grade 7-11 have assumed a different identity, and 34% have reported being bullied. The stats of being bullied are probably higher- that is just who reported it.
Perhaps it is a mixture of it all. Ignoring it or turning a blind eye doesn’t make it better. Getting the teacher to address it and speak to the bully only makes it worse. When speaking to 2 high school teachers in the store- they stated, they come into a room, it is quiet, so they ask the bully- what were you saying to him- there is no response from either side. What are we supposed to do? Bully the bully to tell us? Now the bully learns to do it on the school bus instead of the class, learns to hide in the bush instead of the gym. The heart of the matter is why does it happen? Often bullies are insecure, have low self-esteem, and it makes them feel better by putting others down. Maybe they don’t get enough attention at home so they seek it attention regardless if it is negative or positive.
John Halligan states”I promise you things get better, this may be the worst 2-3 years of your life, but it does get better” his son committed suicide at age 13. He had been tormented by some girls pretending to like him. How to we broach this with our children? So you are being teased, ok, tough it out for 2-3 more years and it will get better? There has to be a better way. Education, media, and no tolerance is a start. BUT it can come from us, teaching our children acceptance, empathy, tolerance, and how not to be a BULLY.After watching these videos, I wanted to lock my children in a safe bubble. However we have to believe in a better place, we have to persevere, and have to be determined to get rid of bullying.
Some sites to check out:
http://www.itgetsbetter.org/page/s/pledge
It amazes me how much has changed for our kids in just 1 generation. We talk about this constantly in our home in the hopes that open dialogue will let our kids know we would do whatever it takes to keep them safe. I just hep it’s enough.